What is the right programming language for you? Traditionally programming languages are created to concisely model a specific problem, or to maximize expression while solving a broad range of problems. Psychoanalysts have noted that many decisions we make as humans are not based on rational premises, but rather are based on fears and desires that stem from upbringing and our societal ideologies. I will use the psychoanalysis of Lacan and Zizek to critique the most popular and trendy programming languages in order to determine if there are ulterior motives for the origins of these languages and how they fit into our everyday libidinal economy.